...to accept behavior that makes me feel bad about myself. I decided, today, that I would cut myself off from a "friend" who had hurt me quite a few times. I had trusted him with quite a bit, and since it's so hard for me to trust people, I considered him and I to be very close, and I didn't want to let go of our friendship. He stood me up a few times, and each time, he would tell me it wasn't a big deal and that I was expecting too much from him. He did other things, but I won't write about them here. He didn't return many of my texts or calls, but he would occasionally come to see me, and I'd forgive him, only to re-start the cycle. It's hard to explain, but he has kind of this hold over me. In the beginning of our friendship, he made me feel good about myself. But then he became controlling and aloof. Today, I texted him to tell him that I had something very important to tell him, and he didn't text or call me back. Driving home from work in the rain, it hit me. Another friend, in whom I confided by telling her of my situation with this "friend", told me that it's all about us being free. He's free to not take my calls, and I'm free to either feel hurt or not. I decided that I was free to not feel hurt, but I chose to do so for several months before today.
It's not OK anymore. I will stop taking his texts or calls (on the few occasions he answers them), and if he wants to talk about it, I will tell him I want nothing to do with him anymore. I'm sick and tired of feeling hurt and hearing his b.s. My life was not better by him being in it, so what am I really losing by losing him?!
I got the opportunity to meet up with a girlfriend today after work. I hadn't needed a drink in so long, and the minute I sat down, I ordered a caipirinha. It was so good! It was a mini-celebration for me. Before, when I did think about cutting off this "friend", I'd erase the thought quickly, thinking that I still want him in my life. But that thought didn't come to me this time. Cutting him off just seemed so right. This time, there was no alternative. It actually felt quite liberating. Half the battle has been won. I just need a bit of willpower to not take his calls and tell myself, should I encounter a moment of weakness, that I don't need him.